First Grade is Over

Dear Nathalie,

You did it. You broke my heart. 

Today is the last day of 1st grade and I really thought I'd handle it well. I had you stand at the door and took your photo. You know, so I could compare your first day with your last day. 

I drove you to school, dropped you off. 

Everything. 

Was.

Fine.

Then I got home. I pulled up my handy "Instacollage" app, pulled your first day photo and your last day photo into the fancy frame and WHAMMO!

Instant tears.

You have grown SO much in this past school year. Not only are you TALLER, but you have developed such a sharp wit. You're smart. You're a critical thinker. You're reading like crazy. And I'm so proud.

And heartbroken. 

It's such a joy to watch you grow and really, that's what it's all about. Raising our children so they can become good people and contribute to the world around them in positive ways. And I know you'll do just that. 

But it hurts to think back to those days where you were so dependent on me for everything. Your little cry for food, or snuggles or a diaper. Long have they passed. 

It's milestones like these that bring out the pain of losing your grandma so soon. These are the kinds of days I should be able to pick up the phone and call my mom and compare emotions.

Was it this hard for you when I finished 1st grade?

Did you cry like a baby when you realized that someday I'd grow up and move out?

Can you believe how BIG she is already?

And I can just hear my mom's voice telling me "Now you know." 

Now I know why it was so hard for her to watch me pack my bags and move to San Francisco. 

Now I know why she was completely okay with me moving back.

Now I know why she was SO worried about some of the choices I made when I was dating less than awesome boys. 

Now I know why she dropped everything to help me take care of you. 

Because our babies are always our babies. No matter how big they get. How bratty they may behave. How mad they may be with us for trying to "meddle in their business."

They are ours to protect and guide and love. Even if we have a hard time showing it sometimes.

So remember, dear Nathalie, that you are MY baby. And I'll love you for always. 

Congratulations on making it through 1st grade. Now I just have to make it through eleven more of these. 

Love,

Mom

Professional Seven-year-old

Dear Nathalie,

As we were finishing dinner last night, Ron and I were talking about how great you are at being seven. I can't recall exactly what sparked that conversation (mostly because I'm extremely tired and getting older) but right on cue you came over with your little paper fortune teller thing (we used to call them "cootie catchers" when I was little) and told me to pick a color. We went through the whole thing and at the end, my fortune was "You will be a princess." You then went on to read aloud all the fortunes. That you wrote. 

You will have xray vision.

You will have rainbow vision.

You will have an extra arm.

You will have an extra eye.

You will be a queen.

You will be a king.

You will be a princess.

You will be a prince.

You, my dear, are excellent at being seven. 

Some of these things I have to start capturing on video because they are much to complicated to translate to mere written words. It's all in how you communicate. The words you use and the tone you select to get your little points across. 

So many opinions already on how the world works. So many questions. 

Last night you wanted to know what a proposal was. Then, what was a business proposal. Why? Where is this coming from? 

I asked you to say goodnight to everyone and it was at that exact moment that you noticed my cookbook shelf. 

"You have a FRENCH cookbook??" Yes, love....and that was my French Laundry cookbook.

This particular letter is extremely scattered, but it will spark a memory for me later, and that's what matters. 

I'll write another soon....Friday morning probably....as I sit and wait to pick you up from your last day of 1st grade. Growing so fast. 

Stop it.

Love,

Mom

The things we do for our children.

Dear Nathalie,

Your Wizard of Oz play is this evening. My plan was to drop you off and run a few errands before the play started.

I was informed by your teacher that it would be wise to head over and get in line for a seat.
So, here I am.

I've been sitting here for close to half an hour already.

On the floor.

Of an elementary school hallway.

It's incredibly uncomfortable and in the end, I'm almost certain that I won't even really be able to see you anyway. But, you've been working hard for this play. And even though you wanted to be Dorothy, in your mind "Oz Person" is just as sweet a role. I caught a sneak peek of you in costume heading to the stage with your friends. You look about as adorable as I expected.

Break a leg kiddo. Meanwhile, I'll break my back here on the floor.
Love,
Mom

Mommies Get Sick Too

Dear Nathalie,

I know it's hard to believe. We seem like superheros that can't be stopped ... but mommies get sick, too.

I've been feeling a under the weather since Saturday night and finally went to the doctor today. I have strep throat. You were there with me when the doctor said I should keep the talking to a minimum.

Immediately after we left, you were non-stop questions.

I know it's not in your nature to be quiet. Or to ever. stop. talking. But really, kid, mommy needs a break.

In other news, parts for the Wizard of Oz were announced on Friday. You did not get the part of Dorothy, which you seem to be totally okay with....you WILL be playing the part of "Oz Person." You're excited for this because it means I will paint your fingernails green.

Also, we enjoyed "Take your daughter to work day" this year.....Photos below. You told me my job was hard and boring and that it's no wonder that I'm tired at the end of the day. (You were there for 2 hours doing the easiest part of what I do.)

Also, you lost your top left tooth.

It was a busy week, dear Nathalie. I need my rest.

Love,
Mom

Auditions

Dear Nathalie,

You have informed me today that we find out Wednesday what role you'll be playing in the Wizard of Oz production at your school. You also informed me that you're pretty sure you'll get Dorothy because, "...I would make a GREAT Dorothy."

So confident. Don't lose that.

In other news, Thursday is Take Your Daughter to Work Day. You've been waiting for this almost as long as you've been waiting to play Dorothy. I can't wait to show you what I do!

And, we'll be sneaking in a trip to Disneyland.

Pictures to follow!

Love,
Mom

Wizard of Oz

Dear Nathalie,

Your first grade class is performing The Wizard of Oz at the end of the year. I guess it's a tradition at your school or something. Spencer and Devin both did it. Spencer was a flying monkey and Devin was a munchkin.

You first learned about this play last year, in kindergarten, when your class got to watch the first graders do their dress rehearsal. From that day, all you could talk about was how you were going to be Dorothy in the play when YOU were a first grader.

Auditions were yesterday.

I asked you how you did, and you said, "I don't want to brag, so I'll say I did just as well as everyone else."

Ha!!! Confidence! I love it.

So now, we wait to see if you got the part of Dorothy. I'm happy to report that you seem to be just fine with being an Oz person if you don't get to be Dorothy, but I really hope you get it. I've got my Facebook Army rooting for you!

Best of luck to you, dear Nathalie.

Love,
Mom

School Photos

Dear Nathalie,

When I was a kid, we did school pictures once a year. September.

That was it.

Nowadays, we get a "fall" picture and a "spring" picture.

I usually discard the spring pictures because, come on, do I really need to spend more money on an envelope of photos that just gets filed away for some project I'm never going to complete later?

This year, I changed my tune.

You have changed A LOT in just a few months!!!! How is that possible? You were still so little when you started first grade and now........now you look like a big kid.

Stop it.

Love,
Mom

Fancy New Keyboard

Dear Nathalie,

This post is more about me than about you.

Because, sometimes, it's important for mommies to think about themselves.

My birthday was yesterday. I turned blankety blank years old. Bleh.

I have a very clear memory of when your grandma turned 30. And then when she turned 40. And then, 50.

I hope that you get to have those memories. I hope they stick. I hope you get more of them than I had.

As I get older, I start to think more and more about my mom as a person. Not as my mom, but as a woman who went through a lot. I think about the struggles she had growing up. I think about the person she became and the life she created for her family.

It's still hard for me to think about your grandma for too long. I still get sad...overwhelmed sometimes with grief. But it is important to keep thinking about her. I have so many of her qualities, both the good and the bad. I have to focus on the bad so I don't repeat some of her mistakes.

But the good.....I'm so grateful for. The good makes me one kick-ass mom. We have a damn good time.

And that, dear Nathalie, is a memory I hope you hold on to.

Love,
Mom

Nat v. iPhone

Dear Nathalie,

I saw an article the other day.....something about missing out on a childhood by paying too much attention to your cell phone and not your kids.

Guilty.

So.....I'm changing my ways. It won't be easy....but it's definitely something that needs to happen.

I'm glued to my iPhone. You would think I needed it to breath or something. I'm quite disgusted with myself over it, actually.

My commitment to you is this:
-When you are home with me, the iPhone is on the charging dock. Not in my hands.
-There will be ZERO phone in hand when I'm in the car with you. Not even at stoplights. That is time I have with you to TALK. To be SILLY. To have fun and sing and laugh.
-I will take a few minutes every night I work late to sit with you and talk about your day, even if it's past your bedtime.

It won't be easy, and I'll forget. But I'm going to try very hard. Because really, dear Nathalie, childhood is much to short....and I don't want to miss out on any of it.

Love,
Mom


PS....here is the article so you know what I'm talking about...How to miss a childhood.

Another year, another quiet blog......

Dear Nathalie,

I just re-read my last letter to you, and I realized something. In the grand scheme of things, I shouldn't feel awful at all that I've gone another year without posting. When you finally sit down and read these letters, it won't really matter that I missed a whole year. The important thing is that I didn't MISS the whole year.

We spent the year doing so many fun things together. You spent the year growing and learning and becoming even more of your own person.

I spent the year growing and learning and becoming a better, stronger mommy.

Last year was not an easy year for me. A wave of what we fondly call "ninja grief" around here hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent a good portion of my time feeling really down. Your grandpa was able to re-group, re-marry, and start a new chapter of his life. That wasn't easy for mommy. But I see how happy he is....how he hasn't forgotten, just that he decided to keep going. Forward isn't a bad direction and everyone has to shove off that way in their own time. I get that now.

We had one of our epic road trips! We drove to Denver over the summer and you really enjoyed it along with the boys. The whole family, actually.

You started 1st grade and ballet/tap class! Your first recital was a success! I could go on and on!!!!!

Your auntie posted something on the Facebook page for this blog....I'll repost it here because, well, she summed a lot of this up for me:

Dear Nathalie... I love you and your mom is so busy loving you she forgot all about this ;) but has had some great times with you this year. Your dance classes and recital where so great. You made a beautiful Flower girl. You have been kicking 1st grades butt! You are an amazing little girl. And already 2013 is looking like a wonderful year full of super special experiences for you and mommy! Auntie, Uncle and Cousins love you!

I love you, Dear Nathalie.....I will try to keep this more frequent. I will not promise anything. But I will try. Keep growing, keep laughing, keep learning. You make my heart happy.

Love,

Mom